Ask Monica

Welcome to your Ask Monica section. Your online tool where you can submit as many questions any time you’d like.

Questions are chosen at random and answered directly by Monica. Answers to questions appear on the Ask Monica page. Due to the high volume of questions and Monica’s busy schedule, not all questions will be answered.

I am wondering how to move forward and recover from someone you loved so much but hurt you badly (my romantic partner) We have been in a formal relationship for more than a year and everything was going well until one day without previous notice, he just said good bye. I don’t understand what happened. I feel dumped, betrayed and heartbroken. I’ve always been there for him. After almost a year I can’t seem to get over it. Now sometimes I can’t stand the pain and I feel very sad. He said good bye but the pain didn’t. It seems like I can’t give up on him.

How to move forward and stop suffering?

This reminds me of once being painfully STUCK after a relationship break up. You so desperately want to heal wounds and move on or even you have a hidden fantasy to go back together and try it again. You are not alone. There are many men and women who are emotionally STUCK in old relationships and struggling so bad to move on with their lives and be happy again. Why is this? Are there just no good relationships out there?

The truth is relationships come in two kinds: those based on dependencies or those based on healthy preferences. It seems you were involved on a dependent relationship. Ending a relationship is always hurtful because of the time invested, the effort, the illusions. However, when pain is staying for too long (and YOU know when it’s too long), it becomes suffering. And suffering it’s a sign of dependency. Most relationships are built based on our dependencies on being loved, accepted, recognized or rescued. Fulfilling those needs make us feel secure, so we make a lot of sacrifices. We think our sacrifices will keep our partners close (fulfilling those “needs”). So not true. We eventually loose them. And we feel rejected, abandoned and even judged. Ironically the opposite of what you were trying to avoid.

• Suffering is a choice. You have to understand that pain is not suffering. I used to confuse them. While pain is a real hurt in the body, suffering is a false “damage” created by us. Prolonging real pain to an emotional level ends up in mental anguish. Suffering is a signal of self pity that keeps us emotionally dependents to negative experiences. So stop beating yourself up. Stop bringing old thoughts that will only make you see your situation as permanent as you are doing it right now. You deserve a better life! So grab what you’ve learned from the experience and start moving forward.

• Switch focus. So far you’ve been focusing on the break up. It is not focusing on what happened that will help you find solutions to move on. So, try focusing on how your next! relationship with yourself should be in order to find new opportunities to increase self love, self acceptance and self recognition that will drive you to develop independent relationships.

So look at your preferences, the movies you want to see, your favorite bedtime hour, your real hobbies, it could be anything! Start focusing on yourself so you can move forward. It’s time for you to become unstoppable!